by Linda l. Esterson, photography by Nikola Tzenov
On a spring day 25 years ago, I sat in my bag chair, sipping water and basking in the sun.
My eyes were focused on nearly two dozen 8-year-old boys nearby as they excitedly struck a baseball, ran the bases and made fielding plays. Little did I know that allowing my son to join a travel baseball team would find me my forever best friend.
Our relationship developed as we sat for hours on end on fields all over Maryland. Our sons became friends and so did we. Before long, we were carpooling to games and dining out afterwards, with the boys sitting at their own table.
We became confidants and besties. We’ve supported each other through the losses of our parents, picked up each other’s kids from the school nurse’s office and driven them to school when they missed the bus. We’ve vented our frustrations, bailed each other out from problems and cheered each other’s successes. When my friend’s son got married in New York, I was there to celebrate with her. She’ll do the same for me this May.
For many moms like me, finding true friendships is a bonus of motherhood.
‘Mommy dating’
Meeting other moms when children are young happens organically, whether through Mommy-and-me groups, preschool, the Parent Teacher Association (PTA), school book fairs, youth sports, extracurricular activities and even through mutual friends. But developing those acquaintances into relationships isn’t always easy.
“There were a lot of times where I met people, and they were very nice, but it just didn’t click for me,” says Sykesville resident Deven Pirro. “Finding friends, it’s really hard as a mom, because you feel like you’re dating.
You ask the questions, see if you like them, and then you call back, text them and then hang out with them a couple of times. You could realize it isn’t for you. It’s dating; it’s mommy dating.”
Finksburg mom and Realtor Becky Lerman took the initiative to venture out after the birth of the first of her four sons to meet other moms. She attended toddler reading groups at the library and even struck up conversations at the gym.
“I got involved in as many activities as I could that I knew would connect me also to other moms,” she says.
While she’s no longer in contact with these women on a day-to-day basis, she still turns to them through social media with questions about “where we are with our kids at this point in life.”
Pirro attended a class with a group of expectant mothers 11 years ago, hoping to meet others at a similar stage of life. At the end of a class, she introduced herself to a group of women and asked them if they were interested in connecting outside of class. A few exchanged names, connected on social media and met for lunch.
Providing a support system
For many moms, the easiest way to meet others is through their children. At school events, outside activities and even birthday parties, children are quick to introduce their moms to each other. Lerman’s children also come home from school with phone numbers in hopes of arranging playdates.
Pirro connected with another mom over similar parenting styles and things they purposely avoided in parenting. Soon, they became fast friends. “We had zero judgment about each other,” she says. “How we remained close was that mutual agreement that kids are tough, life’s hard and no one’s perfect.”
Dr. Kaysan Owens made some of her first friendships as a mom with parents of children in the same church pre-kindergarten class. As the kids progressed to the same elementary school and joined the same activities, the parents remained friends.
Her two daughters ran track, and as they excelled, that meant trips out of town for meets. Parents traveled together or helped provide transportation.
“You can be at a track meet for 12 hours to see your kid run for 30 seconds. You can be at the track for two days to see your kid run for a minute or 45 seconds. So, you spent a lot of time with the adults,” says Owens, who owns Body Basics Wellness Center in Eldersburg and Reisterstown.
“It went from talking about work and careers to talking about your children and just supporting each other, whether it be emotionally, mentally or socially.”
Going above and beyond
Having friends who have parenting in common is crucial, Owens notes. “As a mom, you are burdened with the responsibility of taking care of the children, taking care of the family and taking care of your spouse on every single level,” she says. “Those friendships are important because sometimes you can’t really talk to your parents or your spouse about what you’re going through, but you can rely on those deep friendships that you develop to act as a source of life and support.”
Some of the moms she met when her children were young remain close friends today, decades later, as they are empty nesters. In some cases, the dads are friends as well, and the couples spend time together. There’s a solid group of six or seven couples Lerman met through tee ball, and they are still connected today.
Being together through their children also gives moms a chance to vent and to support one another. “You’re on the sideline, or you’re on that field with these people two, three, four days a week. We’ve been able to really bond over where we’re at in parenting,” Lerman says.
Sykesville accountant Farica Dushkin met her best friend through a youth eighth-grade dance committee and developed relationships with other moms of various ages through school football, track and mutual friends.
She also developed friendships with some of her son’s teachers. Her “village” stepped up after she recently underwent knee surgery. One friend stayed overnight to help. Another lent medical equipment, and another brought a ladder and changed a light bulb. Others made meals and sent gifts.
“It’s nice to have — especially when I don’t have family right here — other people that are looking out for you and who care about you and what happens and that you can care about,” she says.
Mom’s night out
Five years ago, Dushkin, too, corralled mom friends from different aspects of her life for a happy hour. After 15 people enjoyed the evening, the gathering developed into a book club, trivia nights, trips to the ballet, visits to New York and Philadelphia, and participation in charity events with more than 30 members.
Pirro’s prenatal friends created an official Facebook group, “Eldersburg and Sykesville Moms,” to serve as a forum for sharing information with other moms, now numbering about 6,000 in the group.
Pirro began organizing “mommy date nights” at local restaurants to give women a chance to meet other moms away from their children and have fun at restaurants like BierBath in Sykesville.
“When you get together with these mom groups, we all have the same idea that we’re just trying to decompress and be able to be ourselves,” Lerman says. “It’s important for our kids that we be more than just mom. They need us to be healthy and happy as well.
